Who does that?
by DSLeo
Summary: Luke's Diner is where everyone talks about their favorite show's season finale. Spoilers to S6. AU in a big way. Oneshot.


Who does that?

Disclaimer: If I'd ever owned it, do you think I'd have stopped watching after season 5? Exactly.

Genre: Humor/Romance

Rating: T for safety

Summary: Luke's Diner is where everyone talks about their favorite show's season finale. Spoilers to S6. AU in a big way. Oneshot.

A/N: Watching "Gilmore Girls" when it aired originally, I cringed a lot during season 5 and its amazing character devolution. When I watched it again on Netflix during a bout of the flu this winter, and saw seasons 6 & 7 for the first time? Let's just say I got a little peevish. Onward into my first and probably only GG fanfic.

GG GG GG

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"Mmm, liquid life, nectar of the gods," sighed Lorelai to her daughter over a mug full of steaming dark goodness, also known as Luke's coffee. "So, sweets, you catch the season finale? I watched it at the inn while I was covering the desk."

Instantly, the eavesdropping Patty and Babette moved to Lorelai and Rory's table. Kirk and Taylor weren't far behind. Soon there were three tables pushed together, plates clattering as they were relocated, and Lane refilling coffee cups in a frenzy. "Okay, talk fast," she urged, "we had a gig last night, playing the Seventh Day Adventists in Litchfield. What'd I miss?"

"Oh, honey!" exclaimed Patty. "It was..."

"Awful!" screeched Babette with a grimace.

"Terrifying," shivered Kirk.

"Disturbing," contributed Taylor primly.

"I cried," said Rory Gilmore to her best friend. "I mean, sick-to-my-stomach, lost-my-U2-t-shirt tears, not oh-aw-how-sweet tears."

Lane glanced over her shoulder. She did not see her boss, and bent low to hear the scoop. "Okay, so? Tell me!"

"Now, you remember last year when Duke dumped Laurie because she was still talking to her kid's father?" began Patty rapidly.

"Oh yeah, who does that?" exclaimed Lane. "I mean, hello? They can't avoid each other, they have a kid! And she had like, what, twenty years to be with him and whenever they tried, it failed, and it was like, who even does _that_? How many times does a guy have to be a deadbeat?"

"I know!" yelped Lorelai in agreement. "I would never give a guy all those chances if he didn't care about his own kid! Let alone _mine_!"

"Solidarity sister!" toasted Rory. "At least the Haydens got around to sending child support." She grinned happily. "Helllloooo, Harvard tuition!"

The whole table toasted that. "And a refill all around," whispered Lane quickly, spotting Luke re-entering the diner from the back. "And three cheers to Lorelai for hiring a lawyer to nail Christopher's smarmy butt, yay, okay, so what's that break-up have to do with last night?"

"What're you talking about?"

Luke's bark froze them all.

After a long moment, Lorelai sighed and confessed for them all, "A TV show. The finale. The big season shocker. It was last night and..."

"What, that _Winthrop Women_ show?"

Jaws dropped. Taylor stammered, "You've heard of it?"

Luke nodded casually. "Sure. I had to put in earplugs to shut out the commentary or I'd have never finished orders last night. I knew it was a mistake to put a TV in the office upstairs. April was glued to the damn thing."

"Oh c'mon, when Jess comes to visit, he appreciates it," soothed Lane. "So what'd April think?"

Luke relayed without expression, "She said they reminded her of kids at her school."

The table of Stars Hollow's finest burst into laughter. "Oh my God!" cried Lorelai. "That's exactly it! Junior high! So, is it okay if we fill in Lane?"

With a grin, Luke rolled his eyes. "Go ahead. You're all the customers I have right now anyway."

He strolled back to the register to sort receipts. Immediately Miss Patty took over the conversation while Lane pulled over a chair from an empty table.

"Well, that horrible ex-loser of Laurie's came back. Cass. Out of _nowhere_. They didn't even use the lame needed-help-with-his-kid shtick," Patty said intently, her hand gesture dismissing the lack of creativity by the show's writers. "As if a guy who miraculously inherits millions can't hire a nanny and has to run to his ex about his kid by his other ex? Please, honey, that didn't make sense the _first_ time."

"Actually, it never made sense he showed up at all," remarked Rory. "Talk about clueless, Alecia Silverstone style."

"Exactly," Patty agreed, and turned her attention to Lane. "Well, no sooner do we see Cass suddenly appearing at the family dinner..."

"Oh, wow, those are _painful_ ," cringed Lane. "What, a super-smart kid like Rita can't get a scholarship or have, I dunno, _proud_ grandparents?"

"Even my parents didn't put a condition on helping out with Rory's tuition when the scholarship to Chilton didn't cover it all," concurred Lorelai. "They're annoying but they were glad to help."

"I know!" squalled Babette, taking over the conversation for the moment. "So why can't Laurie's parents just get over the whole teen pregnancy thing and...Anyway, forget that, the point is, here comes Cass, and can you believe that idiot Duke _still_ wasn't letting Laurie meet his kid?"

"Oooh, the son that came out of nowhere for the shark-jumping ratings stunt?" urged Lane. "With the witchy mom?"

"Yeah, that's the one, who never told Duke he was the dad and the kid had to get DNA to prove it, and then that Shanna goes off on Laurie about her being a bad influence, and _she's_ the one who slept with three guys in one week!" How Babette got that out in one breath was a medical miracle. "Well, Laurie has this huge meltdown!"

"Oh my gosh, how huge?" demanded Lane, eyes wide.

"I'd have fined her for public embarrassment," said Taylor stiffly.

"Mother made me turn it off," sighed Kirk. "She said it wasn't appropriate behavior to see even on television."

"Wow, that's huge," whistled Lane. "Okay, so? Tell!"

Lorelai took over. "It goes back to the family dinner. The mom invited Cass..."

The whole table groaned.

"And a _shrink_ , like she expects anyone to believe she's setting Cass up with the shrink and not trying _again_ to get Laurie to be jealous of whoever Cass is with," Lorelai continued eagerly. "I mean, my mom and I have issues, but even Emily admits that Chris bailed, and don't let my dad hear his name if there's a knife around."

Rory giggled. "I know, Grandpa starts muttering about castration, it's really funny."

The men drew back. Patty and Babette guffawed.

"Next?" begged Lane.

Rory leaned in and said, "So there's this massive woe-is-me boo-hoo conversation between them in the shrink's _car_!"

"What, the shrink and Cass?"

"No, the shrink and _Laurie_!"

Lane stared. All the heads nodded in grim confirmation.

"Then she runs home and confronts Duke in the street and she was _certifiable_. She's supposed to be this tough-minded woman, and ever since that dumb break-up _last_ season, they've made her this wimp!" growled Rory. "Ugh! And don't even start me on how she forgave Duke for lying for two months and not telling her he had a kid!"

Lorelai laughed merrily, a smirk teasing up the corners of her mouth. Patty and Babette snickered. Taylor winced. "I imagine you're inventing creative punishments for a man who'd do that to you?"

The women chortled with dark meaning.

Luke called over, "Hey, if I'd done that, I'd _deserve_ it."

"Amen, sister-friend, uh, testosterone-friend," Lorelai hastily corrected. "Okay, Rory, you tell it, my coffee's getting cold."

Rory nodded and whispered out, "Well, she says now-or-never, and then he says he can't jump like that!"

Shocked silence fell.

Babette nodded at Lane's expression of disbelief. "I know. We're still trying to get our heads around it!"

"But he eloped on a cruise in the fourth season," stuttered Lane.

The voices came fast, furious, and overlapping.

"Oh, and there was something in there about how he had to think of Aaron..."

"He had like six months to think of Aaron!"

"And how he'd waited for Laurie for all those years..."

Lane gasped. "But all that stuff about him pining for Laurie never made sense, he married someone else, and if he was pining for Renee all those years _she_ was gone, why was he dating so many other women along the way, and then getting upset at Laurie over wearing Renee's old hat and..."

"Breathe," advised Kirk. "I find it useful."

Lane gulped air. "Wow. So total crash and burn?"

"Call the NTSB," affirmed Lorelai. "Get the black boxes. Plot crash extraordinaire. We're talking nothing left but a puff of smoke." Her hand made a downward slash in the air. "Boom."

"Big boom," corrected Rory. "Oh, and then Rita's sleazy boyfriend somehow has this bizarre bungee cord accident and she goes running off to be with him!"

"Oh ew," cringed Lane.

"Honey, I can't agree more. A man cheats on you, that man is done, gone, and out with the trash," said Patty, then sipped her tea. "But they've got that smart spunky Rita turned into as much of a dippy doormat as Laurie is now."

"It's not even fun to watch anymore," sighed Kirk. "It's painful."

"Sounds like it," said Luke, coming around with a pot of coffee to refill cups and take the pot of cooled coffee from Lane. "Besides, if a guy's in love with a girl, he doesn't go around dating other women, or marrying them." He bent down and pecked the top of Lorelai's head. "Real men go for it. Right?"

"Dang skippy," chirped Lorelai, reaching up to touch his hand with hers. "And so do real women."

"Thank God," said Lane and Rory in unison.

"Which reminds me," said Lorelai in a typical non sequitur, "is Anna okay with April coming to our anniversary party?"

"Yeah, she said she was when she picked up April last night." Luke lingered a moment, smiling. "Thanks for understanding. About needing some time alone with her."

"Hey, I get it," Lorelai shrugged but fluttered her lashes. "What can I say? A man being a good father is a serious turn-on."

"Ew," sighed Rory, shaking her head.

Blushing, Luke muttered, "Geez!" and retreated.

Patty leaned in, dropping her voice. "Oh, is April having a rough patch?"

"The kind that comes with turning thirteen," sighed Lorelai and hugged Rory's shoulders with one arm. Obvious memories skipped across her face. "Anna blew up at her over going to a school dance with a boy. Not that Luke was thrilled, but Anna really went berserk. April needed a time-out from that, and Luke and I decided it was better that the stepmom," she pointed at herself, "wasn't involved. Anna could've taken that wrong. She's always gonna be a little sensitive. I get it. I'd be that way if it was Rory."

"You know, it's strange how it works out," said Kirk into the sudden silence. "On the show, you can tell if you do the math that Aaron was born right around the time Duke and Laurie met, just like April was born not long before you and Luke met, Lorelai."

"Yeah, but Anna told him about it, and knew it was his kid," replied Lorelai tightly. "Big difference from some writer making a show tank because they left their integrity in their other purse. I haven't seen a show crash this bad since..."

"The last Amy Sherman-Palladino show went down in flames," supplied Rory. "Besides, in a weird way, if it wasn't for April, Mom and Luke wouldn't be together. Remember?"

"I don't have time for more empty chatter, I'm a businessman," huffed Taylor, rising. Kirk obediently followed.

"Oh, it was so sweet and romantic!" sighed Miss Patty, a hand to her bosom. She beamed fondly. "He was trying _everything_..."

"Poor guy," shrilled Babette.

"Well, who knew teething babies were so _loud_?" Lane shuddered.

"Lorelai to the rescue!" said Lorelai, punching the air in triumph. "One frozen yogurt treat later, and all is well in the world!"

Rory sniggered. "One frozen yogurt treat? Try five!"

"Lane, looks like we've got tourists incoming!" called Luke from the register.

Biting her lip, Lane urged, "Oooh, hurry up, what else happened? On the show?"

"Oh, so Duke says no to now-or-never..."

"Ugh," grunted Lane. "Yeah, he flips when she asked for time to help her kid stay in school after that car theft thing, then she asks to get married after all, and he flips _again_?"

"I know, the show's characters have more personalities than Sibyl," chimed in Rory, and hurried to finish, "So anyway, Laurie goes to Cass..."

"Oh gross!" squeaked Lane in disgust.

"He gets her drunk..."

Lane's hands flew up to cover her eyes. "No no no!"

"Lane! Customers!"

Lane bounced to her feet, with her customer-ready smile, but hesitated. "And?"

Lorelai gushed out, "And she slept with him! And then Duke I-don't-jump shows up ready to elope the next day, she tells him the truth, fade to black!"

As Lane hurried to greet the customers-tourists, indeed-an appalled silence fell over the four women left at the table.

Babette raised her cup. "Well, the first four seasons were good."

"And some of the fifth," agreed Miss Patty, clinking her teacup to Babette's mug.

"Yeah," said Lorelai wistfully, tapping her mug to theirs.

Rory's coffee mug made a fourth _tink_. "And that, ladies of the club, is what happens when you write too many inconsistencies into characters for the sake of cheap plot twists. Good-bye, _Winthrop Women_."

"And good riddance. I certainly won't tune in again," declared Miss Patty. "Lorelai, honey, you're still having the party at your house?"

"Yeah, it's very casual," said Lorelai. "Lane and the guys'll do music, Sookie's doing food, it's come as you are, and go home with who you want." She winked a sparkling blue eye at the older woman. "Except Luke, of course!"

"Oooh, my favorite kind of party! What about the kids?"

"Knowing Matt, he'll be launching water balloons from the treehouse," laughed Rory. "He definitely takes after Mom!"

"And Liam'll be recording it all," snorted Babette. "That boy! Did I tell ya what he did with my gnomes?"

"Oh shoot, gotta go," yipped Rory, sounding exactly like her mother. "Orientation for the internship starts in an hour!"

"Go, fruit of my loins! It's a whole twenty minutes away! You might be late!"

Rory rolled her eyes, kissed her mother's cheek, and fled, her large shoulder bag banging her hip as she ran.

Miss Patty and Babette rose and ambled to the register to pay their bills. Lorelai finished her muffin. Just as she stood, an arm snaked around her waist. "Hey, you."

"Hey, you," she returned, smiling at Luke. "So. No regrets now we've been married ten years?"

"Hell no," said Luke, kissing her cheek. "You?"

"Nope. God, could you imagine if we were as lame as the people on TV?" she giggled into his shoulder, and nuzzled his cheek briefly. "We'd probably still be tap-dancing around each other like Fred Astaire on crack."

"I have no idea where you get those images," sighed Luke, but he was grinning. "See you at home. I'll get the boys, they've got their first ball practice today, right after school."

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you too."

As he began to clear the table of plates and cups, Luke shook his head. "Lie to your fiancée, sleep with your ex, not tell someone you have a kid, elope with one woman and then not with another... Who _does_ that?"

END

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A/N: I have no idea how sucky this is, but I felt better after I wrote it. Cheers. LD.


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